tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
