His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
