thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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