He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
