Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
