I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
