the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
