at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
