That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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