God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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