I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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