Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
