The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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