Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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