The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
