Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
