she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
