2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
