I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
