So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
