mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
