the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
