Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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