i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
