I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
