You're completely useless in the revolution.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
