Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Randomize
