I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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