I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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