Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
