...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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