Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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