and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
