I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
