I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
