:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
