He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
