can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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