I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
