oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
