take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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