bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
