Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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