Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
