the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
