Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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