yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
