Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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