Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
