i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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