She is in my trunk
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
