Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
